Yes, I Do Know It
Amy Hill
By Anonymous, Oakland, CA, U.S.
I know that God and Jesus are with me no matter what. I also know my mother would be fine with a gay son, which she has alluded to in passing, a few times.
I’ve wondered what would happen if I responded, “Tell that to your husband.”
This senior year of college, I had it all planned out. I had the resources, freedom, and distance from my family to prepare and lead myself to a point where I could feel comfortable coming out and not being discreet about anything anymore. But then March 2020 came. With the campus closing down, I found myself having to see, interact, and live with my family a lot sooner than I was expecting … or wanting to.
Flashback to Summer 2019, that fateful day, when my father felt like having an argument with my mom downstairs, while I was in my room, about my cousin’s sexuality and my state of being. Long story short, it became clear to me that he can’t stomach a gay son.
“NO, YOU DON’T KNOW THAT,” he yelled.
When I told this story to another Black, gay man, he said “Trust me, they know, deep down.”
Well, this is a funny way of showing it, dad … Being obnoxiously puzzled at gay content on TV, repeatedly stressing over the idea of my cousin being bi, mom bringing up the fact that he has a gay frat brother that he’s still friends with and him saying nothing in response. Showing a commitment to myths that the world has debunked over and over. Cowardice. I’ve overheard enough of his screaming matches with my brother to know how he reacts to anything that taints his ideal picture of how Black men should be.
So thanks, COVID, for making me nowhere near ready to come out to them. The moment when I felt most powerless was when I found out RBG died. I knew what that could mean, for those like me. My hands went immediately to my face. Even after the chains of COVID, I felt like I’d have chains forever.
With some faith-exploring and soul-searching this past December, plus ideal election results, I don’t feel as grim. But every day, I’m also thinking about when my peace will shatter again, when I’ll have to stand in power against someone like I never have before. At least I have God and Jesus on my side, so far.